Marry Hard: With a Vengeance

So, Aaron and I got married about two weeks ago. It was a wonderful ball of excitement and adrenaline and wonderment and nausea and anxiety. Also sweatiness (those ball gowns are no joke).

Here we are, being fantastic:

thegradysIn that moment, I was pretty sure we had just gotten married. I was dizzy and my heart was pumping hard and loud, and here I was with my husband (!!) on my arm. Apparently I kissed him too early and took off down the aisle before I was supposed to. I have no memory of this. Only love and excitement and a rush of “OHMYGODTHISSHITJUSTGOTSUPERREAL.”

Everyone tells you that you will not have time to eat at your own wedding. To those people, I said “challenge accepted!” I bullied my way to the front of the line and got that chicken fried steak I had been craving since we had first sampled it months before. And I sat down with Aaron at our little sweetheart table and…I couldn’t eat. Remember the adrenaline? Yeah, I was too pumped up to eat. My stomach was doing somersaults, and the chicken fried steak just wasn’t gonna sit right. Touche, wedding gods. Touche. (In a surprising twist, we had SO much leftover, I ate chicken fried steak for days. I may never want to see chicken fried steak ever again.)

I am a liar. I’m sorry, chicken fried steak. Please forgive me.

Here’s something everyone tells you before the wedding that you don’t believe but is truly, 100% correct: nothing will go right. I had assumed our DJ would just announce the different events of the night (cake cutting, first dance, etc.) THIS IS NOT TRUE. Ladies out there planning your weddings: TIMELINES ARE IMPORTANT. Also, chafing cream (remember the sweatiness?) So the first 30 minutes of my married life was spent hashing out the details of the different announcements of the evening. Here is a sample of our conversations:

Me: So, when should we do the cake cutting?
DJ: When would you like to do the cake cutting?
Me: When do people usually do the cake cutting?!
DJ: Either before or after the meal. Whenever you want, really.
Me: THIS HELPS ME 0%

But in all seriousness, our DJ was amazing and dealt with my non-planning with grace and finesse. I dealt with my non-planning by slugging back champagne. The night went swimmingly after that.

Here’s something else no one tells you: those traditional wedding events are wonderful, but also really super awkward. Neither Aaron or I are what you call “dancers.” We decided early on to 8th-grade-sway-it to our first dance. The first moments of our dance was sweet and romantic, but after the first 30 seconds of everyone watching us non-dance, it got kinda weird. Here is a sample of our conversation during our first dance:

Kelly: I love you. This is awkward.
Aaron: Oh my god, how long is this song?
Kelly: I love you. This is awkward.
Aaron: Does this song ever end?!

I am proud to say that there was minimal drama at our wedding. I mean, at least that I knew of. If you had a fist-fight in the back of the venue, I’d rather not know about it. (Actually, that’s a lie. Please send me pictures and/or footage if you have it.) But of course there is going to be hurt feelings here and there and the forgetting-of-socks or something small like that. Here’s my professional advice: champagne. Champagne helps everything.

The rest of the night is a blur. There was some chick dressed as a giraffe:

giraffe

Actually, that is my dear friend Michaela, who came along with one of my best buds, Jamie, for the entire weekend. She was super amazing and I could not have asked for a better giraffe to attend my wedding.

So, in conclusion, here are my rules for a fun wedding:

1. The day of the wedding, surround yourself with your best girls and laugh and drink mimosas. Even if you think you probably shouldn’t have a mimosa, you need to have one or five. Dr. Grady is prescribing this for you right now.

2. Try not to sweat the small stuff. Also, you will sweat. Profusely. I cannot reiterate this enough: chafing cream.

3. Hug and kiss and chat with everyone who came to your wedding. They came to support you and you need to at least thank them for coming. I’ve spent the last couple of weeks wondering if I ever got around to talking to aunt-so-and-so and it’s literally been keeping me up at night. I love you, Aunt So-and-So, please don’t hate me!

4. Attach yourself to your new husband. I saw Aaron for a grand total of maybe 20 minutes. I imagine handcuffs would work well for this. In the absence of handcuffs, zip ties may work as well. If you’re really in a bind, maybe try tape, but I wouldn’t rely on it too heavily (remember the sweating).

5. Invite a giraffe. You will not regret this. Also a large Greek man. Put them in a room together. Hilarity will ensue.

6. You know what? Forget the rules. Make your wedding your own. No matter what, it’s about you and your new husband. Play the music YOU want to hear (your grandmother may not love Motley Crue, but she’ll understand). Laugh and sing and dance with a giraffe. Try to be in the moment. It will be over before you know it.

One thought on “Marry Hard: With a Vengeance

  1. This is spot on Kelly! I was cracking up the whole time I was reading it. I think everyone has had the same conversation during the first dance. Someone should tell people to forget any meaningful song choose the song based on the length…1 minute is more than enough! Your wedding was beautiful! No matter what, you will always remember the day.

    Like

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