Shutting Down the House at the End of the Night: An Opera

Lock the back door.

Lock the front door.

Lock the door that leads to the garage.

(Wait, is the actual garage door closed? Can the world see into the garage? What if someone walks in and kicks the door into the house down?)

Open the door to the garage. Flick on the garage light to make sure that the main garage door, is, in fact, closed. Stare it at for at least 5 seconds to confirm.

Close the door and double check that it is locked again. Jiggle the doorknob for peace of mind. Walk away.

(Are you sure it was locked? Were you paying close enough attention to the locked-ness of the door? Better walk back and check again).

Set the house alarm.

(Wait, am I certain I locked the car that’s parked in the driveway? What if someone just waltzes in and robs us? Worse — did I forget the garage door opener in the console? What if someone finds the garage door opener, opens the garage door, and THEN kicks the door into the house down?)

Grab the car keys. Go to open the door to the garage again, and remember the alarm is set. Quickly disarm it. Open the door to the garage, and point the key fob at the outer garage door. Press the “LOCK” button to hear the car honk — a confirmation that it is indeed, locked. Press it to make it honk two more times for good measure.

Check that the door to the garage is locked again. Jiggle the doorknob for peace of mind. Go ahead and jiggle it a second time so you don’t have to come back.

Reset the alarm.

Repeat entire sequence three times.

Finally lie down. Can’t sleep. Must check to see if the garage door opener is in the console.

Sneak out of bed. Leave snoring husband behind. Disarm alarm system. Grab car keys, race out to the car in bare feet. Check the console. No garage door opener. Run back inside, lock the door, double-triple-quadruple check that it’s locked. Go look in my purse. Of course, there it is. Why didn’t I look there first?

Oh, well. Better check the locks again.