The Long, Long Ago

I am exhausted.

I’d like to begin by saying that I know that this whole crisis has been hard on everybody. Honestly, I understand that it could be so much harder than it currently is. Right now, my family is dozing in various rooms in our home. Their bellies are full. We have the privilege of being able to protect our health while still earning paychecks. For my friends who are essential workers – I know how whiny I sound.

But man…I am exhausted.

I have tried to stay semi-positive, telling myself that the situation probably actually falls somewhere in between “its the end of the world” and “no big deal.” I spent such a long time in the beginning clicking through endless news articles and fixating on what felt like an apocalyptic situation that I could barely function. It felt like the aftermath of 9/11 — staring endlessly at the 24-hour-news cycle. The plane flying into the twin towers over and over again. Replace the plane with a deadly virus. Lather, rinse, repeat. To protect my sanity, I’ve tried to stick with just a few news sources and distance myself from the rest. It helped quite a bit, although my hands were still raw from over-washing.

But tonight, our city announced that wearing face coverings in public will now be mandatory. I don’t necessarily disagree with this; but I can tell you that seeing that written in black and white knocked the wind out of my sails. It made clear the stark reality that this crisis will not be over anytime soon. And I just cannot imagine life continuing this way for an unspecified amount of time.

We have always felt like we have been on a bit of an island living several hours away from our families. But recently, parenting 24/7 in complete isolation has been harder than I could have imagined. Add in an additional kiddo and trying to be a productive employee – I feel like I’m constantly on the verge of losing my cool. And that’s not counting the times where I actually have lost my cool. I’m not a great mom right now. Or wife. Or employee.

I’m over-caffeinated and running on fumes. And man, does this 30+ year old woman miss her mom. That has to be the hardest part – not knowing when we can travel to see our friends and families again. Our tribe has always been a few hours away, but now they might as well be light years away.

This feels just incredibly surreal. As an introvert, I “fill my cup,” so to speak, with alone time. That was hard to come by with kids before, but I would steal away on the occasional Saturday morning to get a cup of coffee by myself, maybe go walk around Target. What a silly thing to miss at a time like this. How silly to want to go look at throw pillows and baby pajamas while leisurely sipping a latte.

That was the before times, in the long, long ago. Things are much different now.



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